Sunday, October 28, 2007

what an emotional week....

this has been...

First, My Aunt Lily (dad's eldest sister) passed away which is very hard to see my dad have to grieve again. I know its a part of life, but its never easy to watch those you love so sad and down. I truly believed that at 83 she had lived such a rich life, travelled the world, and touched so many people positively that I myself, have had a hard time grieving or feeling sad.
I chose not to attend the funeral service for many reasons. That was a difficult decision for me to make though and still trying to put my feelings in order about it all.

Second, Some great news... my sister in law Liz (Jons baby sis) is pregnant.... we got to visit with her as she came home this weekend to shop with her mom for maternity clothes, etc... so fun.. boy, I miss those mom and daughter days!
I gave her my "baby" tote, the one that had everything baby related that I packed up after the second miscarriage and wanted to just get it out of the house...
They were so cute in wanting me to go through it first, just in case and so I did, and wow....
did not expect the rush of emotions to come ... I was a little embarrsed and mad at myself... I truly did not want Liz to see me sad or cry... this is a happy time for her and I couldn't be more excited... just wasn't prepared for what hit me when I saw some old blankets , stuff my mom had made, etc... even some dresses from when I was a baby...
i know I should have wanted to keep it all but I just don't... at this point in time with both babies and my mother in heaven... I truly just want to move on and not hold on to the sentimental dresses, etc that my mother would have wanted me to have...
Not to mention that by the time ERin or ry would have any kids, those outfits would be pretty old, yellow, etc...
Maybe that is how I grieve, but holding on to them is just too painful and I'm ready to move on...

Thirdly, its that time of year again when the falling leaves make me so nervous of all that I have to do in the yard and THE IEP..... just saying it,gives me a ulcer...
It doesn't matter how great a program your kid is in, or how far they have come that year...
NO PARENT should have to go through them.... as positive as the school will make it... Jon and I still find ourselves leaving , crying the entire way home... (I always joke that this is why they ship our kids out of district so the parents have to time to grieve ont he way to / from the school...)
Its only natural to compare and look at the state standard (even for special education) and find that your son just doesn't even fall half way in the standard.... and I KNOW>>>> I shouldn't do that... you shouldn't think negatively and all that... well... walk in my shoes and tell me how NOT to think about all the things I would like to see him do or that I feel he should HAVE BEEN doing all this time...Going through an IEP only brings up the grief over and over again... and its very hard....
but the more I do , the more I am becoming a "don't mess with me or my kid" kinda mommy and I guess I 've learned to feel sad and then turn that into something to fight with... so in the end its all good... just painful


sorry for the long post... just feels good to let it out sometimes and let everyone know the reality of what I'm going through lately...

On a positive note... the air is super crisp.... we went to a spooky zoo sunday today with kids in costume... I think all of Rhode Island is there... lol but we had fun and I got some great pics...

I also had a successful girl scout Halloween party and the girls laughed hysterical... Its so fun watching this age (6&7) experiencing things like bobbing for apples for the first time... amazing to watch!

I have TONS of pictures to upload and promise I"ll get some stuff to look up very soon...
thanks for the ear...
Kim

No comments: